jeffreymark

GRIEF BRIEFLY OBSERVED ONE YEAR LATER

One year ago today we received that tragic phone call every parent dreads and most never experience. Our 27 year old son failed to report for work. Later EMS officials discovered him dead in his apartment. I used to hear people talk about those unbearable anniversaries. I wondered how after a year's time of fading memories one could feel so terribly dreadful about the event. I shall wonder no more. Today the whole tragic event starts over. Much like the movie Groundhog Day, the announcement of my son's death plays over and over again in my emotions as if it happened today. I consistently think about his last moments. Like a bad toothache the memory seems to violently embrace my whole being wrenching my gut and unmercifully playing with my emotions as if desperately seeking to equalize the music from a soundboard.   

When such misfortunes seize an individual one questions their faith. All my life I believed in a resurrection; preached on it; counseled with its joyous message as a therapeutic tool. Yet, the deafening silence I sense when thinking about my son mysteriously shuts down life with all its current cares, hopes, and dreams. Nothing seems real except this most nerve numbed day. For all I know I'm a walking zombie. So what? What do I care? No one can fully comprehend the enormity of such a loss until they experience it themselves. It does something eternal to you. Steels a part of your soul. Kicks the animus right out of your physical being.  

Perhaps the only place to go is reverently expressed in this piece by Singer/Song writer and Catholic priest John Michael Talbot.

JOHN R. BALL RIP

My wife's father passed away Saturday November 15. He served in the Korean conflict. Mr. Ball was an old fashioned man who offered discipline with grace. He also sized a phony up real quick. Sadly he never recovered from my son's tragic death. We will miss him. But, in his own words he crossed over to eternity and we know we shall seem him on that great resurrection day.

Mr. Ball's death combined with our church's seeking a bold new direction set blogging down the priority list a bit. I hope to get back into the blogging mold quickly. In addition my Mac's graphics card crashed.  The folks at Apple assured me this has been an issue with several Powerbook models. I'm now using a PC for my blogging. God please give me back my Mac. I hate these old crap machines. I guarantee those who use a Mac will never go back to PCs.

GRIEF BRIEFLY OBSERVED IV

Grief acts a bit like a torture chamber. It puts one a seesaw of emotions. Today hope shines bright. The future looks inviting. Tomorrow brings despair. No reason to go on living accept to take care of the rest of my family. I constantly ask God to enhance my creativity through this tragedy. 

Then comes the job. The constant demand for results- tangible results from those who judge a church's success based on flawed materialistic business models. In the context of a fledgling denomination that's a tall order. The United Methodist laity grasps at straws while sensing a death stench. The days of Methodism's compelling influence ceased 10 years ago. Prophets offered us a window of opportunity to acculturate, but we failed to see it. That window closed fully and completely in the late 1990's. Dealing with the death of one's two primary life sources, family and career, make for a tremendously steep mountain. Yet, when Jesus spoke to the disciples concerning their inability to cast out evil, he explained:

Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. (Matt.17:20)

Evil seeks the destruction of one's God-life and all its implications including redemptive productivity. God desires for his people to use their lives as a gift, vigorously impelling his creation's triumph over evil. Knowing this and subjecting oneself to it by faith pinpricks grief's darkness.

   

GRIEF BRIEFLY OBSERVED III

Since my son's death almost a  month ago I now find the deep feeling of loss and finality growing with each passing day. I often catch myself looking at photos both past and present. I now see Adam's life as one complete whole; like a picture show shining upon the silver screen from beginning to end. 27 years ago he entered our lives a beautiful gift from God. We watched him grow. He rebelled, much like his dear old dad, yet made a Prodigal's return. Those 27 years flew by like a flash of light.

For some, the death of a child becomes the defining event of their lives. Like a flickering flame they permit such a tragic event to extinguish life's candle once and for all. Then others allow such misfortunes to raise them up on eagle's wings. Missionary E. S. Stanley Jones once said we can either get bitter or better when faced with adversity. 

Adam's death also inspires me to seek a closer relationship with God through Jesus Christ. I find myself now more than ever longing to read the Bible. In fact, I bought a new, smaller leather bound Bible as a sort of witness that keeps me honest and reminds me to read God's word for spiritual formative reason, and not simply to develop another sermon. We ministers often fall into the trap of morphing into professional Christians, while allowing the power of Christ to fade. In such circumstances, the Bible becomes more of a book for sermon starters and less a guide that enhances our spiritual journey.   

Several years ago I conducted a funeral service for a young lady who died prematurely, around the age of 27. I took as my text for the message a passage that reminds me of the all encompassing, never ending love of God from Psalm 91. Little did I know that the same message for this young lady that fateful day would later beckon me to place my son in the everlasting arms of a living Savior. 

 ¹He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

²I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him will I trust."
    
 ³Surely He shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler and from the noisome pestilence.
    
 ⁴He shall cover thee with His feathers, and under His wings shalt thou trust; His truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
    
 ⁵Thou shalt not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flieth by day,
    
 ⁶nor of the pestilence that walketh in darkness, nor of the destruction that layeth waste at noonday.
    
 ⁷A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand, but it shall not come nigh thee.
    
 ⁸Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
    
 ⁹Because thou hast made the LORD, who is my refuge, even the Most High, thy habitation,
    
 ¹⁰there shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
    
 ¹¹For He shall give His angels charge over thee to keep thee in all thy ways.
    
 ¹²They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
    
 ¹³Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder; the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample underfoot.
    
 ¹⁴"Because he hath set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him; I will set him on high, because he hath known My name.
    
 ¹⁵He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
    
 ¹⁶With long life will I satisfy him, and show him My salvation."

Catholic Priest Michael Joncas adapted this all powerful passage into a compelling musical composition, which provides comfort to all who grieve. Listening to On Eagle's Wings reassures me of God's intimate presence, eternal love, and indwelling Holy Spirit, who walks along side us during our darkest hours:

GRIEF BRIEFLY OBSERVED II

When a young man such as my oldest son dies an untimely death we grieve deeply for the what if's or what might have been. But, this grief is for ourselves and not our departed. He lives on high in glory with Christ. What could be better. Only when we settle with this fact can we confidently and creatively face the future without him.

From time to time I will post brief statements concerning observations of our excruciating grief. If these observations aid others in their grief then praise God.

GRIEF BRIEFLY OBSERVED

Two weeks ago our family received the crushing news of our 26 year old son's death. I always felt extremely sorry for those who tragically lost a child, and could not begin to comprehend the tremendous pain one must feel in such a harrowing experience. Now the pale rider has passed by my son's door in Austin, Texas. Words cannot communicate the deep groanings one feels for the untimely passing that defies all that is fair, just, and kind. The tragedy left his younger siblings reeling with despair. A grieving parent deals not only with their own emptiness, but they must calm a young child's fears as well. Not an easy task when young children possess immature reflective apparatuses. Heaven, for them, seems remote and far away. 

Misfortune, however, reveals God's mercy. Like a tediously fixed unfolding curtain on a Broadway stage, the God of Jesus Christ lifts the veil separating mortals from his glory. For one thing, the lifted veil exposes God's offer of mercy through our choice to accept his light, Jesus Christ, the Light of the world. Jesus reminds us that all die. Whether 26 or 96 all humans die and that fateful day arrives soon, with a grim promise to leave others grieving. Second, this Light assures us of a resurrection. I'm reminded of the Bible's emphatic affirmation at this point: 

¹⁷On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. ¹⁸Bethany was less than two miles from Jerusalem, ¹⁹and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. ²⁰When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.
 ²¹"Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died. ²²But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask."
 ²³Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again."
 ²⁴Martha answered, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day."
 ²⁵Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; ²⁶and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"  (John 11:21-25 NIV)

The Light must form a philosophical prism which filters all life's events. Through this prism the Light of the World touches every dark corner of our lives with its multifaceted colors of grace. It naturally impels us to accept death's reality, experience God's presence, and trust in the resurrection. 

In addition, tragedy reveals God's love through empathetic, unselfish individuals who offer a kind touch, a listening ear, and a warm presence. People are indeed closest to God when they minister to those in need. The Bible in fact, assures us of this salient truth when it explains:

⁷Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.¹¹Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹²No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.  (I John 4:7-8)

Furthermore, adversity contains the very seeds that launch God's Holy Spirit into our midst. The Holy Spirit inspires this whole scenario of light and love. We hope and people love because God gives us his Spirit.  But, God's Holy Spirit works independent of human personality as well. The Bible confirms that he walks along side us in our most apprehensive moments. He calls us to think as God thinks and to feel as he feels. He sustains our emotions cushioning our initial shock with numbness, offering us a part of our dearly departed one's spirit, and giving us the grace to move forward. Without this Comforter we would surely die. 

The coming days may bring despair and an emotional roller coaster. But, the God who conquers death will certainly conquer our living nightmare as well. Therefore, with confidence we place our trust in him, remembering how Jesus said, "I am with you always."   

  

A DAY OF PASSAGE

Today we hold my oldest son's memorial service. The heaviness of the initial shock from our tragic news has returned. Funerals are a rite of passage. They challenge us to face reality and offer the final release of our loved one to God. Although we confidently place our trust in the Christ of resurrection, nothing can replace a warm body to hug and hold. With feet firmly planted, faith fully engaged, and mercy flowing from above, we will face this day unafraid, knowing Adam's spirit continues to dwell in our midst. 

I will return to regular blogging next week, viewing life through a different set of philosophical and emotional eyes.  

ADAM MARK (AUGUST 31, 1982-MAY 3, 2009)

My oldest son and dear friend was found dead in his apartment in Austin, Texas this past Wednesday. Adam was a sweet, tender young man who hugged his dad and always said I love you when saying goodbye. Needless to say I will take some days off until I can collect my thoughts and grieve awhile. Please pray for my family. His three brothers and mother are in for a rough ride.

THOUGHTS FROM A SOLDIER'S WIFE

As a supporter of our military I've always been sensitive to a soldier's family's thoughts and emotions. One particular wife candidly shares her heart:

I am down to about three weeks, give or take a few days before my husband comes home on R&R. This will have been the longest we have ever been separated without seeing one another since we got married.....he has always had some break during long deployments. But now that it is getting close to him coming home I am nervous about him being here. Afraid that he will get here and want to go right back. Or that I will be freaked out that he is here and be uncomfortable the whole time. Or that when he goes back I will be so miserable with him gone again, that I will be unable to get back to my life and it will be worse then when he left for the deployment, although he will have less time. All of which are so not like me.....and I think that scares me the most, that I hardly recognize any of this in myself. Maybe that is the worst part...that this is not the "me" I have been used to for so long, this new "me" is a little to, I don't know even what to call it....just not me...... On the phone we are the same people we have always been, but will we be the same people when we are together? And if we aren't, how will that be for us during the time he's home? And why am I questioning this after SO many years of marriage? And am I the only woman to feel this way?

Military families always pay a price. Even Hollywood understood this during WWII. A couple of good movies on the subject are The Best Years of Our Lives and Till The End of Time. They portray the soldier's difficult return to civilian life from both a civilian and soldier's point of view.

An Amazon.Com reviewer writes this excellent synopsis of Till The End of Time:

Released in 1946, the same year as "The Best Years Of Our Lives" this film tackles the issues that veterans and their families face. This film takes a long cold stare at the sense of loss on the Home Front and in the souls of men and women of the time. The theme is of an overwhelming feeling that is Shock; of lost love, lost lives and lost opportunities. This is a film about Recovery and merely coping with what War does to us all. A real character study of Americans as they rebuild their damaged lives.

In addition, Amazon editors explain The Best Years...:

Winner of seven Academy Awards, including best picture, director, actor, and screenplay, William Wyler's brilliant drama about domestic life after World War II remains one of the all-time classics of American cinema. Inspired by a pictorial article about returning soldiers in Life magazine, the story focuses on three war veterans (Fredric March, Dana Andrews, and Harold Russell in unforgettable roles) and their rocky readjustment to civilian life in their Midwestern town of Boone City. Capturing the contradictory moods of America in the mid to late 1940s, this three-hour drama spans a complex range of honest emotions, from joyous celebration and happy reunion to deep-rooted ambivalence and reassessment of personal priorities. A movie milestone when released in 1946, The Best Years of Our Lives still packs a punch with powerful, timeless themes. --Jeff Shannon

In my opinion, the constant debate and white flag waving serve as a most despicable and disrespectful way to honor our soldiers and their sacrificial families. Hats off to this brave wife who allowed this nation to borrow her husband so we could sleep in peace.

Gone Fishin'

I'm going fishing in the morning.  It'll be cold.  It'll be dark.  I'll have to drag my boat for an hour to get to the lake, and once I get there it'll take another twenty minutes to launch. 

When you go fishing you never know if the fish will participate.  Often, they just sit it out.  Yet still I go.  At this little lake the best I could hope to catch would be a ten-pound hybrid striper or a five-pound bass.  It's more likely I'll catch a bunch of twelve-inch bass - two inches too short to keep.  Next year's model.

Why bother?  Well, fishing connects me with nature, with creation as we say.  Few experiences in life make a human feel as in touch with the wild as does the sensation of a fish biting, then fighting on the other end of a line.  When my wife felt the nibble of the first fish she ever caught she said, "Something's doing something."  That's part of why I fish:  I hope I'll receive proof once again that something's doing something.

Fishing also connects me with my Dad.  He died eleven weeks ago, on March 6, 2007.   I could never express in this blog all that he taught me, all that he meant to me.  Fishing was something we did together, kind of our thing.  When I fish I feel close to him.  So I'm going fishing in the morning.  I may not catch a fish, but I'll accomplish what's really important.